BRADLEY SANDS
Seth Schultz
 | ||||
Brave Contestant of Faith
| ||||
ISSUE DOS!
| ||||
Cormac McCarthy
| ||||
Tao Lin
| ||||
Seth Schultz
Seth Schultz goes to an orgy. He is not dressed appropriately. The invitation told him to come wearing nothing. He is wearing something. The man at the door tells him he cannot enter the orgy in a bear costume. Seth Schultz tears out the man’s throat with his fake bear teeth and runs through the door growling. People stop who they are fucking to give Seth Schultz an opportunity to devour their innards. The next morning, the ghost of Seth Schultz’s friend calls him on the telephone. She says, “I am among the things which shall not be spoken.” Seth Schultz responds, “Sorry I ruined your orgy.”
Brave Contestant of Faith
for xTx
Jack is a contestant on the game show, God or No God. He is starving and would like to win a million dollars to end his hunger. Jack’s chair hangs above a 20-car pileup. While his astral body sits in the chair, his physical body is embedded in a car windshield. Jack’s hand is on a buzzer. He is waiting for Chuck Barrett to ask a question. Chuck Barrett does not exist. If Jack does not answer Chuck Barrett’s non-existent question correctly, he will be ejected from his chair. He will be hurled into a different state. A state between shards and nothingness. If he does answer Jack Barrett’s non-existent question correctly, he will be able to buy many loaves of bread. Chuck Barrett asks his non-existent question. The non-existent question has a non-existent answer. Jack does not know the answer because it is non-existent. Since his hunger would prefer many loaves of bread over a state between shards and nothingness, he prays to God. He asks God to reveal the non-existent answer. He promises he will share his loaves of bread with God in return for His wisdom. He waits for God’s answer. But God does not speak. Instead, God comes down from the heavens and tap dances and causes earthquakes and envy. Then God’s head turns into a balloon, separates from His body, and rises. God’s torso falls down in the dirt. Jack’s time runs out. God’s tap dancing routine and ascension have not helped him answer Chuck Barrett’s non-existent question. He swallows the shards and they taste like earwax-flavored Starburst and he repents his sins.
Cormac McCarthy
The alleyway lacks light but it is day and the stars in the sky provide illumination for Cormac McCarthy to view the buildings’ walls which are covered by posters depicting the image of a man who is unknown to him and woman yells out the window in a voice of dissonance and Cormac McCarthy runs out of view towards the front of the building. But instead of the front of the building there is only an empty lot filled with transparent dirt that exhibits the bodies of those who argued with the existence of the dirt’s transparency and since Cormac McCarthy is skeptical he walks beyond the territory where the transparent dirt has authority and the place looks like an empty white room without furniture but is actually the fertile land where farmers grow trombones and he tries to pick an instrument for his personal use because he is a talented jazz musician but he looks into his hand and sees empty white space and a lack of furniture and he is delighted because a trombone creates the bellow of an elephant which is a sound that his ears are allergic to and prolonged exposure will cause them to revert to their original state of being cauliflower and he leaves the empty white room and passes a man who is outside walking his house on a leash and Cormac McCarthy wonders if this walk will produce urine or feces or wood shavings and he nods to the man grimly knowing the fate of a man who believes in the plausibility of walking his own house and the house barks at him and he is afraid of this criticism of his presence so he turns onto Everything Street and is dismayed to discover everything blocking his path and he makes mean faces at everything but it does not budge and Cormac McCarthy calls his wife to tell her he will be late for supper.Tao Lin
Tao Lin drinks an ape-flavored smoothie. The ape is displeased. He punishes Tao Lin by giving him the ability to turn his eyebrows into gold. Tao Lin turns his eyebrows into gold. He tries to shave them off so he can afford a gourmet tofu dog at an expensive downtown restaurant. The Bic razor is powerless against the precious metal. Tao Lin is frustrated. Tao Lin wants a chainsaw. He cannot find a chainsaw in Brooklyn, so he takes a train to Long Island. It stops in Long Island and Tao Lin breaks into someone’s garage to chainsaw off his eyebrows. It is graphic. Inappropriate for a general audience. But his wounds are also inappropriate for expensive downtown restaurants, and when he goes to one of them to spend his gold eyebrows on a gourmet tofu dog, the attractive hostess refuses him entry. He goes to a hospital to make his wounds appropriate for an expensive downtown restaurant, but he does not have insurance. Full-time writers do not have insurance. So he offers his gold eyebrows in exchange for appropriateness. The nurse says, I’m sorry but we only accept cash check or credit card. Tao Lin goes to a bank to exchange his eyebrows for hundred dollar bills. He bleeds on the teller. The man punches him in the face. Tao Lin makes a neutral facial expression to avoid the embarrassment of tears. The teller to the left feels sorry for him. She feels sorry for him because she is very old and has suffered through many inappropriate wounds. She says, It is usually against bank policy to exchange gold for currency but I will make an exception because you look like my cute little hamster. Tao Lin accepts the money and spends all of it on appropriateness. He is sad that he can no longer afford a gourmet tofu dog. Feeling existentially fucked, Tao Lin goes home to wait for his eyebrows to grow back.
